My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
