I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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