Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
