just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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