she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
