I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
