I wish I could punch you in the face.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
