his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hippo gnu deer
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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