At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
how drunk are you?
Several
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
