Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
