It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
