What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
