The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm at about main and main street
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
