Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
