my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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