Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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