I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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