How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
