You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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