plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
smell my finger.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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