I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
