Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
