Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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