Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
My liver just had a heart attack.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
