I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
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You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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