home. puking in laundry basket.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
