Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
