I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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