A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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