Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.