Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.