In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.