Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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