I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
