remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
