Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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