This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
