i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
