Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
