some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
