dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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