Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
