I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
