cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
