sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
