I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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