Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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