Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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