my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
