I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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