Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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