I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
