i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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