Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
