I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
