i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize