Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
