Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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