Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
