My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
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I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
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You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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